Today, I want to say happy things.
Things like gluten free chocolate cake, with vanilla buttercream. Things like poetry and disney princesses and the crunch of snow under my shoes. Things like the fact that it was four degrees today... above zero. Like large, regal dresses and tight shoes during a fire drill. Like the importance of being Earnest. Things like Sweden in two weeks, and the three page letter I wrote you last night. The one I'll never show you. Like optimism and tea and the sound that construction paper makes when you cut it with safety scissors. Things like hazelnuts and seeing my friends on stage. Laughing. Like when you hear something you could never put into words articulated perfectly. Like when you realize that it's okay. You're going to be okay. Like when you learn a new trick, a new song on the piano. That feeling I get when I see your name on my phone. Especially when I didn't text you first. The feeling of amends, forgiveness and the way butter melts on hot toast. It's the way the music hits my ears, and the way your eyes look when you sing. Things like my cats and their whiskers and their tails and knowing I will never love someone like I love them. And that's okay with me. Things like seeing whipping cream turn into whipped cream and my mother. Just my mother. Dress shopping and lotion and painting my toenails and drawing something pretty. The feeling you get when someone kisses you for the first time. And the second time. And the third time. The way "serendipity" feels on my lips. Things like duct tape, safety pins, hair elastics and clothespins. Like sneaking out to see you. Like falling in love. Things like a best friend.
Happiness is being friends with you again. And remembering why I missed you so much. And no longer having to miss you. You're there.
I'm happy. There might be things that I want to happen, things that might make me happier. But if they don't happen, that's okay. Because more wonderful things have happened today than have occurred in a very long time. It's something I can rely on. It's not going anywhere. I can make it work, and I can make up for the things I've done wrong.
I am not perfect. No one is. But I take comfort in knowing that my DNA is 25% daffodil and that, since they've lasted so long on this piece of rock orbiting a mediocre star, maybe I can do it too. I know that you might see me as the cumulative of my flaws right now. What you've heard, what people think about me. But honestly, sweetie, they don't know shit.
(I miss you. I never wanted to give you up. And it feels like it was for nothing. Please let it be for something.)
So hear me out. I'm not flawless, I'm not exactly what you need and I'm not always the most patient person in the world. But I think I can make you happy.. I think we can be happy. Why? Optimistic guess. And I make a mean filet mignon.
Two great reasons.
"That's when you know you've really found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence."
Sun, meet space station.
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